Audi Needs to Invite Me to One of Their Hipster Parties

"Collin" (coliin) 03/11/2014 at 09:30 • Filed to: Audi, Parties, Audi Parties, A3, S3, Hipster

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When news broke earlier today about Audi's 64 page guide to throwing sexy hipster A3 parties, lots of people made fun of them. Me though? I just felt an overwhelming need to go. I couldn't tell you what the actual parties are going to look or be like, but I just can't shake it. I have to be there to witness whatever happens. Then again, when I sat down to think about it, I realized that I'm exactly the kind of guy who Audi needs to invite.

First of all, I'm a Millennial. I'm notoriously bad at being a Millennial, but still. Are they really going to let my lack of crushing student loan debt or inability to grow an ironic mustache keep me from qualifying for an invite? If anything, you'd think my lack of crushing student loan debt would be an asset.

A millennial who doesn't have half of his income tied up for the next 40 years in paying off that out of state English degree that he so desperately needed? I don't think that sounds like someone we want driving our cars. He'll probably be able to get his own financing from a credit union. Egad! How will we profit?

Anyways, I'm not just a Millennial. I'm a Millennial who currently drives the best car ever made: the E39. Who made the E39? BMW, of course, Audi's fiercest competitor. Convincing someone that the A3 is better than their Corolla might be easy, but it doesn't prove much. Of course the A3 is more desirable than the Corolla. A BMW driver switching to an Audi, on the other hand? That's a big win.

Oh, that used 5 series on the lot? Yeah, we just had a guy trade it in for an S3. We're having a lot of BMW owners trade their cars in for Audis these days. You should really drink the koolaid too take a look at the A3 sometime.

Despite not being a very good at going into debt or growing facial hair, I do have a number of "hip" qualifications in the bag as well. Want someone who listens to music that never has a chance of making it onto the radio? I'll gladly talk to your other hip attendees about the Shovels & Rope concert I was just at and how I was surprised at how good the opening band Hurray For The Riff Raff was. They're going places, people, just not to the radio.

I'm also a big fan of beer. Not only do I drink it regularly, I also occasionally brew it myself. Just a couple days ago, I helped my roommate bottle the porter that he had been brewing. Anyone can drink a 6% IPA from a brand that most people have never heard of, but do you know what brand is more obscure than those officially recommended brands? Home brewed beer, that's what brand. It's so obscure, it doesn't even have a name or a label. How's that for being super hip and trendy?

Finally, I use social media. Don't want to brag here, but I'm up to almost 200 followers on my Twitter account, and I'm pretty sure that most of them aren't bots. I'm like nearly half way there to being 1/10th as popular as Doug DeMuro. You know what cool, hip Millennials do when they've just gone to a cool, hip Audi party? They take pictures on their iPhones and post them to Twitter while using cool, hip hashtags. I could be that guy! I could do that too! I could tweet with the #AudiA3 hashtag on Twitter. How awesome would that be?

Heck, why stop at just social media? Assuming I had a good time, I could write a post about it on OppositeLock. If I harassed the editors enough (via Twitter, of course), they might even front-page it. I don't know if Audi knows this, but being front-paged is kind of a big deal. I once got like 1000 views on a post of mine that got front-paged. That's 1000 more people that might buy an A3!

So if you know anybody at Audi, please let them know that they need to invite me to one of their A3 parties. I promise I'll even wear my hip, trendy tortoiseshell glasses and a plaid flannel shirt.

Collin Woodard is a sometimes-poster on Oppo who really likes going to parties. If you're super cool and hip on social media, or a member of Audi's press department, you can follow him on the Twitter at !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! .

!!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!!

GTRZILLAR32-Now saving for Godzilla and a condo > Collin 03/10/2014 at 22:18

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This is probably one of the funnier things I have ever read and it applies to me as well. Come on Audi invite me to one of your parties so I can live blog it to my Facebook.

*** Whispers under breath... but I'd rather buy an E46 M3***

Brian Silvestro > Collin 03/10/2014 at 22:19

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I need to go to one of these parties. I want to be there when history is made.

Harrycarry250 > Collin 03/10/2014 at 22:30

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You and me man. I want to go as well, if its in NYC I'm game to crash it or go with an invite.

Textured Soy Protein > Collin 03/10/2014 at 22:58

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I thought about posting on the FA comments but by the time I saw it there were like 200 replies. I'm totally the target demo for Audi's A3 parties, because:

I'm 31 with a healthy sense of nostalgia for the 90s and late 80s.

I make above median income, working in my window office at a tech company. The building is a refurbished old paint factory.

I have zero student loan debt and good credit.

I have an extensive collection of sneakers, wear stupid graphic tees my primary sunglasses are a pair of tortoise shell Ray Bans.

I buy organic and local foodstuffs (although instead of the people who worry about chemicals, trans fats, sustainability, or any other various crunchy feely reasons, I just like good food).

I like music that isn't the popular top 40 whatever the fuck, although I also don't follow actual hipster music. I like old soul and motown music because that's what my parents listened to when I grew up but apparently this is sort of a hipster thing now?

I spend a little too much disposable income on gadgets.

I have been obsessed with cars since I was 4 years old.

I have a beard.

Audi should love to have me at their party.

Here is roughly my reaction to reading about Audi's parties, while sitting in my window office at a tech company in a reclaimed paint factory:

Still think I can score an invite?

Just wear your damn mask... > Collin 03/11/2014 at 09:40

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Where are you?

Jagvar > Collin 03/11/2014 at 09:41

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Just don't park too close to the fire pit.

BillGK > Textured Soy Protein 03/11/2014 at 09:43

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I don't know, your hair on your head are all upside down... If that's an organic cotton hoodie you may get a better chance.

bpromersberger > Collin 03/11/2014 at 09:45

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As an E39 driving millennial, I wholeheartedly endorse everything written here.

pfftballer > Textured Soy Protein 03/11/2014 at 09:48

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Sorry, no fixie bike and knit cap worn indoors so they'll have to pass.

Racescort666 > Collin 03/11/2014 at 09:53

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I'm in. Except I already own an Audi so maybe I'm disqualified.

TheSmokingTire > Collin 03/11/2014 at 10:08

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I'm on the flight home from the hipest of hip A3 parties: the media launch. It was more like a science fair, although last night's dinner was at the Mozart collection, one of the baller-est car collections I've ever seen. As much as I like the people who work at Audi, the A3 is heavy on the kool aid for sure. But sooner or later, they are going to realize that if they are going to sell cars to millenials, they should probably start including USB ports.

zipfuel > Racescort666 03/11/2014 at 10:16

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I'm sure there's something shiny they can put you in for the same payment.......

Collin > Just wear your damn mask... 03/11/2014 at 10:16

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Right outside Atlanta.

4over2 > Collin 03/11/2014 at 10:17

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http://www.audiusa.com/about/events

CleverBS > Collin 03/11/2014 at 10:17

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I'm legitimately in the target market since I am a millennial (30), I listen to "hip" music (but definitely nothing lame like Coldplay or Chvrches, ew), and since I live in Wisconsin, microbrews are a way of life (and there's no need to make it in our garage). Oh, and my last three cars have been an E90 BMW, Infiniti G37x, and a MK6 Golf R. Every time I went car shopping, I looked at Audi... and ended up with something else. Their cars were always lacking something that caused me to pick something else, but who knows, maybe the A3 2.0T Quattro with B&O audio and sports package may be exciting enough, or perhaps the S3 if the price is right (and the options I want don't push it into the price range of much nicer cars).

But from the sounds of it, Audi wants to cater to a bunch of hipster dbags that can't afford their car in the first place. The kind of people who non-ironically ironically wear corduroy sport coat with four other shades of brown in their outfit that they found at some hipster second hand store for $5 and probably haven't washed for 2 months while discussing how Audi just doesn't "get it". Can hipsters really afford a $35-40k car on a Starbucks "salary"?

Racescort666 > zipfuel 03/11/2014 at 10:20

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You sound like the sales manager at the Honda dealership who was trying to sell me a used Accord when I asked about the new Civic Si. I aske if it had a stick shift and she said "well no but it looks sporty."

The Biebster's got a P71 (Formerly not Justin Bieber) > Collin 03/11/2014 at 10:21

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I hate those car mustaches so, so much. I've seen 5 in the last 3 days and I want to set them all on fire.

ascendingnode > Collin 03/11/2014 at 10:21

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As a millennial with a job, PhD, beard, and zero debt, I would chime in too.

But the problem is that my Dad has has had small Audi Quatros since I was five years old (ie since the Lotus Seven got stolen). It is, quite literally, my father's car. I would probably be perfectly happy driving an A3, but I would still feel like I'm driving my Dad's car. There is nothing hip about that...

Just wear your damn mask... > Collin 03/11/2014 at 10:24

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Pick a local dealer and contact them. Most dealers are hosting these events, and having hosted event in Atlanta my guess is that whatever a local dealer does is going to be pretty swanky. I mean brooding and ironic.

R W > Textured Soy Protein 03/11/2014 at 10:35

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you are too old to be cool any more though.

R W > Collin 03/11/2014 at 10:36

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Sorry, this millennial wants at least an s5.

I'll go drink the free beer though.

whosewoodstheseare > Collin 03/11/2014 at 10:48

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I'm a little disappointed in this post. I've worked very hard over the years to not only strengthen my own current stereotypes of Millennials, but to also spread the Good Word about this generation's uselessness to the world at large. For my sanity and the further indulgence of my own ignorance, I'm going to suggest that Collin be kicked out of the Millennial generation. Old people desperately need something to latch on to. A deep distrust and sneering disdain of the current generation is fundamental to our overall mental health, and we need as many bad examples as possible. Please stop, Collin. Or for God's sake, go into debt or something.

Love,

Old People

filterplz > Collin 03/11/2014 at 10:51

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If you drive an e39, your logical upgrade is the A6. I yearned for a 5 series for literally more than a decade, however, i realized the 5 series had thrown "ultimate driving machine" out the window and started chasing lexus/mercedes etc..

The A6 3.0T beats the 535 in every metric performance wise and price wise, looks just as good (if hard to distinguish between other audis - not an issue for me). The only thing you lose coming from an e39 is steering wheel feel (all electronic), but the F10 doesn't have it either anyways.

Vee > Collin 03/11/2014 at 11:00

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I'd more than likely go to one of these and never shut up. I'd criticize and make fun out of everyone and everything there, from the neckbeards to the posters to the people talking about nonexistent authors and musical groups. The reason being I'm not techno-organic like most "Millenials" as they call people under 35. I'm Heavy Metal. I wear long shaggy hair, sideburns, and listen to Motley Crue and Van Halen. I'd much rather be seen driving a rusted out '71 F-100 Ranger with a Transcammer engine than an Audi A3. And yet I'd gladly place my guitar in the back seat and take on out on a test drive just to scare the shit out of the car salesman because Audis are all-wheel drive monsters with insane horsepower and balls-shrinking amounts of torque. It's the same reason why I'd try a new restaurant flooded by hipsters. If it's good, I'll go for it at least once. Audi is doing something right here, and others should take notice. Even if it's going to be filled with people I would gladly punch in the face for wearing knit caps and frameless glasses.

davedave1111 > Collin 03/11/2014 at 11:01

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First of all, I'm a Millennial.

You're fourteen or under? Millennials are kids born since 2000. FFS, this really isn't hard. Why do so many people get it wrong?

Textured Soy Protein > davedave1111 03/11/2014 at 11:09

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Nope. Millenial generally refers to people born from 1982 through 2000 . Give or take a few years on either end.

Textured Soy Protein > BillGK 03/11/2014 at 11:10

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Damn, I knew I should have gotten the organic version of that hoodie!

Textured Soy Protein > pfftballer 03/11/2014 at 11:11

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Do my 20 year old Trek mountain bike (my arms are too short to ride a bike with drop bars) with aluminum frame, bar ends, Shimano XT running gear, old-school cage pedals so I don't need clip in shoes, tires, and my frequent wearing of knit caps (but usually outside) to cover my dome count?

Textured Soy Protein > R W 03/11/2014 at 11:11

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I prefer the term seasoned.

Stef Schrader > Collin 03/11/2014 at 11:15

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I envy your lack of student loan debt. Sometimes I think I really, really should've bought a 911 Cup car instead of college. If I'm going to be in debt forever, I might as well have fun with it!

...

Audi, your competition is clearly a 911 GT3 Cup. Get on that. I don't own the requisite mom jeans for your parties, though.

Stef Schrader > TheSmokingTire 03/11/2014 at 11:18

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...or at least find a way to pull from all songs on an iThingy instead of only what's on playlists through that interface.

The A7's media thingies were all pretty easy to use except for that, really. "But but but...all my songs! Play all my songs!"

davedave1111 > Textured Soy Protein 03/11/2014 at 11:20

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Wikipedia's another of the places that gets it wrong. Beliebers and Twilight fans are Millennials - the generation after the one they're talking about.

pfftballer > Textured Soy Protein 03/11/2014 at 11:21

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Not sure. Do you ever wear flip flops with tight jeans?

RS Hole, I forgot my password for 8 months > davedave1111 03/11/2014 at 11:21

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"Millennial" refers to Generation Y; people born between the early 80's and early 2000's

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Millennia…

davedave1111 > RS Hole, I forgot my password for 8 months 03/11/2014 at 11:24

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Yes, we've established that Wikipedia page is horribly wrong. They've collected up a whole load of sources which use a non-standard definition, but they're still a tiny minority. Everyone else means 'people born since the millennium'.

Textured Soy Protein > pfftballer 03/11/2014 at 11:25

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None of my jeans are particularly tight because I have big legs and tight jeans just don't fit so great. But I do have tight-ish pants and occasionally roll up the cuffs to show off my sneakers.

Textured Soy Protein > davedave1111 03/11/2014 at 11:30

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Ok here are some other sources that aren't wikipedia.

Merriam Webster dictionary says a millenial is a person born in the 80s or 90s.

Pew Research says a millenial is a person born after 1980.

Live Science says millenial "generally refers to the generation of people born between the early 1980s and the early 2000s. Perhaps the most commonly used birth range for this group is 1982-2000. "

I could go on, but you get the idea.

davedave1111 > Textured Soy Protein 03/11/2014 at 11:33

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Yes, those are the wrong sources Wikipedia uses. Pretty sure MW copied Wikipedia, rather than the other way around.

admiller > Collin 03/11/2014 at 11:37

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I would love to go to one of them as well. Because free craft brews! And it would be fun to people watch. These kinds of parties are always such misguided attempts at being cool and trendy. I have a feeling though it would end up looking something like this:

or this:

Adam > Collin 03/11/2014 at 11:40

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I would also like to go to one of these parties. Free food and cars? What's not to like?

Textured Soy Protein > davedave1111 03/11/2014 at 11:48

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Those are sources I found on my own. If they're also on the Wikipedia source list, that's a coincidence. Here are some more.

Oxford Dictionary - Denoting those people reaching young adulthood around the year 2000

Inc. Magazine - born between 1982 and 1996

Accenture - born between 1980 and 2000

Chicago Tribune - those born between 1982 and 2000

Forbes, quoting Pew Research - born between 1982 and 1993

U.S. Chamber of Commerce - birth years of 1980 to 1999

I can't find anything at all that says Millenials are primarily people born after 2000. In fact, most all of them say the Millenial generation ends with people born in 2000. A 10 year-old in 2014 is not a Millenial.

davedave1111 > Textured Soy Protein 03/11/2014 at 11:49

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Yeah, like I said, it's weird how many people seem to get something so obvious wrong.

Adam > davedave1111 03/11/2014 at 11:54

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Dude, millennial is the group of people who were young during the the turn of the millennium and the decade after. Do you have any sources saying otherwise? I've never heard it used otherwise and I work at a design consultancy where people talk about this stuff constantly. That's why you hear about millennials being ungrateful pompous unemployed people... if they weren't old enough to work then how could they be unemployed?

Textured Soy Protein > davedave1111 03/11/2014 at 12:01

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I'm not trying to be a dick here, but you just are not correct in your understanding of the millenial age range. Millenial means people born leading up to the turn of the millenium, not people born after the turn of the millenium.

By even the narrowest definition, it is generally accepted that 18-29 is the main Millenial bracket. Which is people born between 1985 and 1996. You can stretch it out a little bit on either end. I've provided plenty of examples of this.

If millenials were people born after 2000, then why would all these articles be out there talking about car companies trying to figure out how to sell cars to millenials? The oldest millenials by your definition would be 14, not exactly prime car-buying age.

Other than saying "all those sources are wrong," you haven't shown any evidence to back up your opinion. Try to find a a single link that says Millenials are people who are 14 and younger.

davedave1111 > Adam 03/11/2014 at 12:07

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Yeah, that's yet another example of the weird mistakes people make. How can you expect 14 year olds to be employed?

I wonder if this has all come along thanks to that joke Wikipedia page.

davedave1111 > Textured Soy Protein 03/11/2014 at 12:16

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If millenials were people born after 2000, then why would all these articles be out there talking about car companies trying to figure out how to sell cars to millenials?

Yes, that's my question. It seems like a bunch of bloggers happened across a joke page on Wikipedia and have run with a nonsense definition. Obviously the reason Millennials aren't buying cars is that they're too young, so why would anyone write about it?

Textured Soy Protein > davedave1111 03/11/2014 at 12:40

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How have you decided that wikipedia is the source of all the supposedly incorrect use of the term millenial? You're literally the only person I've ever encountered who believes millenials are the 14-and-under age bracket.

davedave1111 > Textured Soy Protein 03/11/2014 at 12:47

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I was just speculating about Wikipedia. It's only in the last few months that I've heard anyone use the term the way you say you're used to hearing it. Before that it was pretty widely used to mean kids born since 2000. Then all of a sudden it seemed to make a jump to meaning hipsters.

chriswhotakesphotos > Collin 03/11/2014 at 12:52

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These are the worst things on earth.

Collin > Stef Schrader 03/11/2014 at 12:56

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To be fair, I'm also 25 and not quite graduated from college yet (come on August!). What if I'd graduated college at 22, financed it all in student loans, then spent the last three years aggressively paying them down? Then again, you also have to have a job that pays you career-level money in order to do that, so considering the economy the last couple years, it's probably a toss up.

Collin > Just wear your damn mask... 03/11/2014 at 12:59

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But if I have to ask, it like doesn't mean as much. I want them to want to ask me!

Textured Soy Protein > davedave1111 03/11/2014 at 12:59

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The transition I've observed is the generation now commonly referred to as millenials, used to be called Generation Y. Because it came after Generation X. But at some point using the term Generation Y fell out of favor and was replaced by millenials. But everything I've ever seen has basically talked about Generation Y and millenials being the same thing.

Collin > filterplz 03/11/2014 at 13:09

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But you don't see Audi throwing any A6 parties, do you? Also, I'm very open about what my next car will be. It's not going to be for a couple years, so I don't have a budget yet, but I've looked into everything from a direct upgrade of a 55oi to the 911 to something much cheaper and more beige so I can afford a Triumph Speed Triple. Maybe an A3 could be for me.

Collin > 4over2 03/11/2014 at 13:09

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Boooooring

Collin > chriswhotakesphotos 03/11/2014 at 13:09

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Agreed...well, second only to damp socks.

Collin > The Biebster's got a P71 (Formerly not Justin Bieber) 03/11/2014 at 13:10

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Where do you live so I can never go there?

4over2 > Collin 03/11/2014 at 13:12

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You said you wanted to go to one of the events, well that link takes you to your local event if you enter your zip code. Mine gives an e-mail to RSVP.

Collin > whosewoodstheseare 03/11/2014 at 13:14

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You seem upset. Would you like to talk about it over a round of golf and a couple drams of scotch?

n1zm0 > Textured Soy Protein 03/11/2014 at 13:14

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you know what my biggest gripe is, that this group generalization is totally BS.

I was born in the early 80s, my age group's values and experiences are nothing like the kid born ten + years later, we were the last group of kids to grow up in that 'pre-internet' period, we did book reports without the internet, we had cassette tapes and VCRs but our parents still played records and A-tracks, the rotary dial phone was still a common thing in use when I was a kid.

We should have our own group name 'the guinea pig generation' or something.

Collin > 4over2 03/11/2014 at 13:16

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I want them to want me there. It's not the same if they only let me go because they know I want to go.

Textured Soy Protein > n1zm0 03/11/2014 at 13:17

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I somewhat agree with you. I propose the following subdivisions:

People born from 1978 through 1991 = proto-millenials

People born from 1992 through 2000 = those durned asshole kids

Just wear your damn mask... > Collin 03/11/2014 at 13:32

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In order to be on a dealer's radar, you'll either need to be in their database as a lead or a customer, or be in the correct demographic, including owning the right kind of car, to make it onto Audi's conquest list, assuming the local dealer is availing themselves of this feature.

Instead of just asking, you can go to your local dealer's website or AudiUSA.com and submit a lead for the A3. That is your best bet outside the direct approach... unless this entire conversation is rhetorical.

Collin > Just wear your damn mask... 03/11/2014 at 13:45

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It started out as rhetorical and just to be funny, but I'm starting to think that I should actually go if I can. If anything, it would make for a good followup post.

Just wear your damn mask... > Collin 03/11/2014 at 13:52

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Pick your local dealer, go to their website, submit a lead, and see what happens.

Collin > TheSmokingTire 03/11/2014 at 14:37

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Or they need to hide a tape player in there somewhere so you can use one of those tape converter things. I mean, do you know how excited I was when I pushed on a panel on my dash one day, and it opened to reveal a tape player? I swear the clouds parted, light shone down from heaven, and I somehow fell in love with it a little more.

Rock Bottom > Textured Soy Protein 03/11/2014 at 14:38

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This guy's got your number. Bail out!

The Biebster's got a P71 (Formerly not Justin Bieber) > Collin 03/11/2014 at 15:18

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Madison, WI. Turns out that they're because Lyft just arrived, and it's part of their mandatory look. I hate it a lot.

Collin > The Biebster's got a P71 (Formerly not Justin Bieber) 03/11/2014 at 15:29

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As much as the look sucks, I have a friend who drives for Lyft, and he really likes it.

BrianMadigan > Textured Soy Protein 03/11/2014 at 15:36

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Doesn't matter, big legs still need skinny jeans. This will inevitably make your ass and lower back merge into one surface, which will be visible due to your wearing a size too small graphic print t-shirt. American Apparel is made to fit every build. I'm not saying you're likely to score a lot of hot tail at an A3 party, but hipster girls don't drive anyhow. Not real ones. They take public transportation even though it sucks.

BrianMadigan > Racescort666 03/11/2014 at 15:38

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SHE? Women sell cars? I'm astounded. This is completely unknown to me.

BrianMadigan > bpromersberger 03/11/2014 at 15:39

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car hipster

Jonathon Klein > Collin 03/11/2014 at 15:59

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Lets both go! I'll grow a stupid hipster mustache and wear a Bowler hat, you can grow a small neck beard and wear plaid. We can't go wrong with that.

bigdog > Textured Soy Protein 03/11/2014 at 17:20

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Jesus bro this was not only like reading something I wrote, but looking in the mirror. I'm 32 - but have sold most all of my deadstock shoes, because kids, to get into things we can do together, like Lego or Anki Drive, Sphero etc. Also - just had some basil cell carcinoma removed from my equally bald head, invest in some hats.

Textured Soy Protein > bigdog 03/11/2014 at 17:29

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Oh yeah it's hats all winter and sunblock on the dome in the summer. My mom had the same basal cell carcinoma on her scalp a few years back. I went to visit right after she had it removed and it was kinda gnarly to have her walking around with this bandage sewn into her head.

The Biebster's got a P71 (Formerly not Justin Bieber) > Collin 03/11/2014 at 17:44

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I don't know the situation in other places but I'm pretty pissed at them here. They're not registering with the city so they're operating as illegal gypsy cabs and trying to take business from the legitimate local cab companies and co-ops and at the same time not taking people to certain neighborhoods and jacking up prices after they already took someones credit card.

Rein44 > n1zm0 03/11/2014 at 18:15

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Agreed. Gen Y and Millenials are two different demographics. I define them as this: those who graduated high school BEFORE 9/11, and those who had yet to start high school when the towers were destroyed. That leaves four years of grey area. Everything changed for Americans after 9/11. We grew up in a different era than today with a different set of rules. I am thankful for that.

whosewoodstheseare > Collin 03/11/2014 at 20:43

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Only if I get to wear loafers over my gym socks.

Collin > whosewoodstheseare 03/11/2014 at 22:51

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Is there any other way to golf?

filterplz > Collin 03/12/2014 at 09:54

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Haha well audi throwing parties has exactly zero influence on what I would buy or not (in fact it might actually be a negative for me, unless you can prove that this kind of advertising is more cost effective than other forms). Also, if you are changing your use case (ie moving away from full size sedan), yes - my advice isn't going to help you .

Driving_Impaired > Collin 03/16/2014 at 14:53

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Here you go Collin, just got this in the mail yesterday. Ironically I bought my BMW at this Audi dealership.